[Steven]

Factors that shaped my identity…..

My parents never kept their word to me. I grew up believing that to be normal. However I did not dare break my word to them. It was not a two way street. One year for Christmas, I received a weight bench. I promised to not use it unless my dad was there to supervise, spot me, and make certain I was doing the lifts correctly and not hurting myself. He was too tired when he got home from work to spot me. In too much of a hurry in the morning to help me lift. There was always an excuse. I did some lifting without him, like curls, and leg lifts, leg extensions, but I could not bench press. He would not help.
Fast forward and he did something similar to my nephews. He bought a boat. He promised to take them fishing. He would talk big glorious stories of all the adventures they would have together 0on the boat. They never went fishing. Not once. My nephews are in their mid thirties now, but I know their hurt is the same as mine. There was an adult in our lives that was incapable of keeping his word. And no one stood up to him. No one told him to either do it or shut up about it.
But he was not the only one. As result I have a difficult time trusting people.
There is more – much much more – that is preventing me from forming deep honest connection with others, but this is likely the beginning.

[Steven]

“Only me can change me” While I do believe that, it is a challenge if the inner resources do not exist. Are you like me? I know that I was brought up to think that I could fix what was wrong with me without the help of others. “Just leave me alone and I will figure it out” failed me too many times to count. And sometimes the problem just went away, like our significant other broke up with us, or a friend just stopped hanging around. We may have even been foolish enough to think that the problem was solved. I quit drinking with the hope that my problems would go away, and everything would get better. I knew I was an ass when I was drunk, but now I am just a sober ass. My biggest fear is this condition is chronic, persistent, and not treatable. It could even prove fatal. This has been an arduous process that has taken several turns. I have seen two counselors, a hypnotherapist, a psychiatrist, and another psychologist. I currently am waiting for a professional evaluation to be completed. I thought my problems were ADHD, brain damage from past concussions, drug abuse related brain damage, booze, or some kind of brain chemistry malfunction. Most likely my problems are simple childhood neglect, mixed with a large dose of abuse, and no means to communicate it or get help. Not as sexy or fun as the former, and just vague enough to be difficult to correct. This is going to take a very very long time.

[Author]

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