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Issues have been not realizing what my actions were really covering up. (5% of my communication failures with my wife have been due to my own distorted thinking or unprocessed childhood fears
working on standing on my own gaining awareness of self. Slowly starting to feel better inside and everything on the outside is not so big
I am botenough comes from a very critical father who used corporal punishment as a parenting tool and then 30 + years in the military where everything is performance and results based to prove worth. I was taught from a very young age and had these thoughts reinforced that I am not enough. Being disconnected from emotions was a protection mechanism. This has affected everything up till now. This is why I am sitting in a boarding house and not at home with my wife. No more. This is the most painful experience I have dealt with. Sitting here and all the distorted thoughts flashing through my mind are all visible now but are still racing around several times a day. It is very hard to break that cycle. There is no anger any more just extreme loneliness and sadness with fear. This is my motivation. This change is for me.
I my work on identity has been very surface level until now. # years of therapy and I have not heard the words that have impacted me as this section did. The true work starts now. The most important breakthrough moment of my healing journey has been sitting in the pain and hearing your words. It is actually more than pain at this point. It is the grief of now knowing what I did not know before this section. I am not sure I would have even heard it. Thank you for this section.
After just reading the last paragraph, which captures it all best, my distorted thoughts all revolve around not being enough. So tired of this thought pattern. I just want it to stop.
My distorted thoughts seem to be deep seated. Under times of stress or when I have created a story in my head it is very hard to get the thought out of my head or challenge the thought. I am working very hard to continually challenge them. So far journalling seems to work the best. Being separated from my wife makes it doubly hard. I know the consequence of not being able to successfully challenge the thoughts. I have to keep trying.
Feeling disrespected, feeling taken advantage of, perceiving others as entitled or self centred, watching other take advantage of people (especially family), people not pulling their weight, people saying one thing and doing another, feeling 2nd place or the 3rd wheel (especially with my wife), being spoken down to or looked down on, people judging my experiences without having lived similar, people saying “I can’t do that”, lazy people, family not respecting my home, not having a say in my home or feeling powerless, narcissistic people, no humility demonstrated by people, no integrity.
Wow that is a big list.
All most all of the buttons I can identify began with childhood treatment then failed relationships then 30 years military then PTSD. All of the buttons I can think of can be linked to all of these past experiences all starting at a very young age. Actually – not my fault. Does not excuse behaviour but it does remove some power and release the grip of diminished self esteem.
This remains a challenge at this point. However I think that by going through the assignment questions and looking for patterns this will help demystify my anger by uncovering the source. As you said I can sense the reduction in the power this button had on me.
My rage in the past has been internal and leaks out very passive aggressively. I never rage in front of someone and do it alone. Crazy old guy in the park yelling at squirrels. Doing this bottles up my emotions and built resentment. I have no tips yet but I can say that I will be practicing the lessons provided in Session 2.
I have employed time outs before. After watching the videos I can see I was doing everything you said not to do. Your plan sounds so much more effective. I like the idea of practice. I like the idea of thoughts to review during the practice. I get it that going over how I was wronged will just fuel the anger. Thinking the negative core thoughts of my partner also is detrimental to the return to a successful conclusion. This is a way better plan than what I was doing. Thank you.
I have spent the last week in a hotel while my wife takes a break from me. I get it now so much more after the first session. I get the need for change and my motivation is not only change but change to help heal the damage I have done. I want to go home. I want to be better for me and enjoy those around me with an open heart.
